*   𝐣𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝.

                    _{SHE ALONE KNOWS JUST HOW DEEP HIS MISTRUST RUNS, perhaps even more so than he does because she’s seen that mistrust to the very end — paired with his worry & love for her, it had become deadly. Despite that, or because of it, she alone understands how much it means that he shares his thoughts so openly with her. How she wishes he had kept that openness, hadn’t hidden his fears, his thoughts, but shared them with her later on. ❛ What do you think we should be doing? ❜ She’s curious, wants to know what the best course of action was in his eyes, because anything feels better than this — doing nothing, waiting for something to happen all while trying to stop another from caring ( all while pretending it didn’t hurt the way it did. )}

                _{Eyes shut briefly when she realizes he had taken her jest in seriousness — his expression, the very real worry he clearly felt for her safety slices through thin walls she’s been trying to build & uphold. She almost wants to clarify — I’m fine! It was a jest. Stop caring for me, that is not your job, it no longer is. — but his gaze turns to her & she allows carefully maintained façade to tell him for her with a small smile at the corner of her lips. His smirk eases the knots in her chest, but the cuts are still bleeding. When his face colors, hers does too ( because she can hear the words he doesn’t say & how she wishes she couldn’t, how she wishes she didn’t know that he cared! ) & she turns away, pretending to gaze at the horizon. ❛ I do. ❜ How he stumbles over his words! How innocent & wonderful her Anakin once was. ( Had their love, her love, taken that all away? ) ❛ The Jedi didn’t have to extend their help, just as they didn’t have to once before. But you did. And I am grateful for it. ❜ She had done so well, making her appreciation general, to the Jedi rather than the boy with her, except for the last slip, one she hadn’t realized until the words had already been said.}

        _{She flinches internally, gaze carefully kept away from the necklace she had cherished for so long, as well as the boy who had given it to her. Fingers wrap around it, & she tries for a cool smile ( though she’s burning, his words a heat that should have engulfed her in warmth but SEAR at her skin. ) ❛ You were such a brave young boy. ❜ How could I forget? Is that she doesn’t say. Why can’t you forget about me? also remains unspoken.}

          _{Heart clenches tightly in already-constricted chest as he takes too long to answer. His smile is no longer one that contains warmth, the one that had made her believe he could be happy. No, it is forced, it is false, ( it is mirroring her own. ) It’s not the answer she had sought, had wished to hear so desperately. He had no idea what a path he would be going down ( one she could not follow! ) ❛ Anakin — ❜ How does she tell him she can see through it all, without allowing him to know just how much she cares? ❛ No, I was the one who had been lucky. ❜ He had saved so much & so many lives, but had he been lucky? Or had fate been cruel — to both of them, for intertwining their lives forever, making them LOVE & LOSE so much? ❛ If you could go back — would you change it? ❜}

              ❛   𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒𝐍'𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑.   ❜   _{humorless statement ,   dropped drily from tightened lips and accompanied by a rolling of tense shoulders.   his neck is still colored red ,   perhaps from the effect she has on him   (   it drives him absolutely crazy   :   fingers twitch with the need to caress her own ,   eyes cannot completely leave her features ,   not for long.   it’s torture ,   it’s forbidden ,   something he is not allowed to feel.   but force ,   does he not feel it  !   )  or perhaps from the oversharing of such information.   not even to his master would he voice these machinations ,   sometimes not even to himself.   there’s fear inside him ,   where it has always been ,   of being too different or not enough.   do all the jedi question the order’s motives  ?   is he just not meant for this ?   HE WANTS TO BELIEVE HE IS.   that such agitations shall leave as he ages ,   leaving in their place a wise jedi   ——   the greatest jedi.   though she would not betray him ,   anakin cannot satiate her curiosity  :   he doesn’t truly know the answer ,   he is just merely aware that this is the wrong path.   call it intuition ,   insight.   a hunch.   ❛   i’m just a padawan ,   after all.   ❜   is that bitterness that coats his words  ?   most definitely ,   yes.}        

             𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 ,   _{he wants to say.   stop smiling or my heart will leap out of my chest.   she’s so beautiful she might blind him ,   causes the thudding inside ribcage  to accelerate.   can an organ even beat this fast  ?   make this much noise  ?   SHE SURELY HEARS IT ,   THINKS OF HIM AS A SILLY AND INFATUATED BOY.   so when she looks out to the sea ,   he follows ,   pretending that this isn’t awkward and that he hasn’t made a fool of himself.    ❛   of course we did !  ❜   of course i did.   such vehemence   ——   and so fitting in the mouth of a young man.   he wears his heart on his sleeve though many times he’s been told to hide it ,   and it usually goes unnoticed.   ❛   you are in danger ,   just like you were years ago.   it would’ve been wrong not to help you.   besides   ———   you deserve it.   ❜   and to him ,   she does.   a brave queen once ,   now an equally as brave senator   ;   she’s a fighter ,   struggling to banish the evil of this world.   their goal is the same ,   he realizes now.   and they are not so different than he previously thought.   glancing at her ,   eyes catch digits gripping the snippet ,   a victorious smile sneaking ‘pon pursed lips.   HE MEANS SOMETHING TO HER ,   OF THAT HE IS CERTAIN.   ❛   i’m sure anyone would’ve done the same.   ❜   he’s teasing again ,   giving her his full attention.}          

             𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒 _{his full name almost makes his body shiver.   he wants to laugh loudly ,   tell her how stupid her statement is.   HE IS THE LUCKY ONE.   the years apart from her had been darker though he only sees that now ,   and a world where they were strangers seems unimaginable.   the notion sits on the bottom of his chest ,   heavy and with dread.   ❛   NO.   ❜   response comes rapidly.   ❛   not in a thousand years.   ❜   destiny had not given a little slave boy much ,   but his power and his friendships were more than enough.   padmé was enough.   he might miss his mother   (   the love she had to give him ,   the safety he felt with her   )  yet he would not give this up.   WHO WOULD HE BE WITHOUT THE JEDI  ?  an empty man ,   another slave in a sea of faces.   ❛   i don’t regret anything.   ❜   it’s a clarification   (  maybe useless   )   so that she won’t think poorly of him ,   or worry about his happiness.   and because he’s curious ,   because he doesn’t like being asked all the questions ,   he inquires in return.   ❛   ———   are you happy ,   senator  ?   ❜}              

democraticqueen.

                  _{SHE NEEDN’T SEE HIM TO FEEL that which he feels, the turmoil that brews within him ; so attuned is she to Anakin Skywalker, forever intertwined, she’s not sure she will ever not know. She can feel the heat of his anger, the ice he wishes to instill within his heart to quell it, & it makes her own upheaval that much harder ( for she is doing that, has to — but he won’t know, can’t know. ) She nods, words escaping her momentarily. Despite everything, despite the hurricane trying to find release from within his chest, despite her carefully worded questions meant to anger him, he shows her patience, provides her with honesty & she wishes for the anger, for harsh words — at least then she would have a reason to continue the way she was, a way to fuel the fire that she had to use to BURN EVERYTHING DOWN, leaving nothing but ashes of what could have been ( better their love & her heart than him. ) ❛ You sound as happy about it as I do. ❜ It had not been fair of her to ask him.}

                 _{She shifts beneath his gaze, wishing his eyes wouldn’t soften when looking at her ( even when his shoulders were stiff, back straight, playing the part of soldier so well he may have had her fooled — had she not known, had she not felt his love. ) ❛ You’ve been told to stay with me, to protect me. If I happen to leave Naboo — ❜ there’s a small smile playing on her lips, her threat an idle one, not real for she has no intention of making this any harder for him than she has to. She shakes her head, dismissing the train of thought. ❛ I never thanked you by the way. For protecting me, for everything. ❜ For so much more than he will ever know. ❛ I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. ❜ So she will return the favor.}

          _{Heart clenches when he agrees so readily, & she wishes she was better at maintaining cold indifference ( for she was clearly failing. ) She pauses, eyes taking in the boy — if he were that anymore — before her. She sees traces of who she had met on Tatooine, but only in the softness of his eyes, the warmth of his words. He is GONE & only she knows just how far gone he will become later on. So she has to know, has to ask. ❛ I — ❜ yet it’s not an easy query to voice ( she hopes its answer would be simple, hopes he needn’t think about it — then she can draw strength from his answer, harden her resolve. ❛ Are you happy? ❜}

                         ❛   I   ——   ❜   words falter ,   _{hesitation twisting like a knife beneath his skin.   perhaps his disapproval at the council’s action shouldn’t be voiced so recklessly ,   perhaps he ought to think before speaking like obi - wan has tried to teach him.   no one else he would complain to ,   only his master and his own thoughts a reliable confident.   but here she stands ,   a queen in her own right ,   a champion of peace   :   so beautiful in the sunlight it almost blinds him.   she nods and something inside chocolate eyes yells that he can trust her   —   the padawan can almost feel a silver string connecting them ,   making every nerve in his body tingle.   nervous blush spreads through his cheeks ,   tinting them red once more in the face of her presence ,   her questions.   HER RESOLVE MAKES HER EVEN MORE WONDERFUL.   such strength should be admired ,   adored.   so he decides to speak his mind ,   gaze lost in the horizon as he tries to hide an already obvious agitation.   ❛   i don’t think what they’re doing is right.   ❜   then ,   in low notes filled with annoyance ,   he grumbles.   ❛   but it’s not like i have any say in the matter.   ❜   how he wished they would listen  !}            

                        for a second he thinks her serious ,   _{jest not obvious when his eyes stray away from lovely frame.   widened gaze ,   the weigth of responsibility   (   for her life ,   her future.   he’s never felt it threatened ,   not since leaving coruscant behind ,   not between blue skies and irritating sand   )   reflected behind light blue.   there’s a smile tugging at her lips ,   more startling than anything he’s ever seen   ;   brings a wave of warmth to his heart   —   he’d do whatever it took to see it every day of his life.   ❛   you wouldn’t   .   .   .   !   ❜   a smirk of his own matches her expression ,   eyes narrowing in playful joking.   and he’s about to say more ,   scare her in return   —   when lips part ,   streaming sentences making the space between his ribs ache.   suddenly ,   his tongue tangles   ;   suddenly he does not know quite how to react.   ❛   there’s   —   you don’t   ——   you don’t have to thank me.   it’s my job.   ❜   and i care about you ,   i always have.   face burns again ,   again ,   again.   HOW YOUNG AND PATHETIC HE MUST SEEM  !   that last lie sounds awful and he’s just realized it ,   but it is too late to take it back ,   too awkward to even try.   instead ,   stare fixes on the japor snippet ,   tranquility befalling at the token of what was once a stable friendship.   ❛   i’m just glad you didn’t forget about me.   ❜   it is such a simple truth ,   so pure and unfiltered ,   he does not even think about it before it is out of his mouth.}      

                        inquire brings him out of a haze ,   _{one composed of memories and their interwined past   (   are you an angel  ?   ).   he pauses ,   confused by her query ,   confused as to why she’d care.   WHEN HAD HE EVER BEEN ASKED THAT  ?   happiness was a selfish concept   ;   how could a jedi expect to be joyful when the world needed their whole heart and soul  ?   uncertainty painted on his features ,   those which are open and afraid to think of an answer.   his mother’s voice resonates through bottled brain ,   love and longing taking hold of his chest.   ARE YOU HAPPY  ?   he doesn’t know.   a shake of the head ,   forced smile masking turbulent thoughts.   ❛   i couldn’t ask for a better path to follow.   ❜   neutrality coats his speech   :   he’s aware that it is not what she has asked ,   but it is the best he can do.   ❛   i was lucky to come across you that day in tatooine.   ❜} 

democraticqueen.     

                   _{SHE WATCHES THE POISON TAKE ROOT within his heart ( her poison ), its path one she can clearly map as he does little to hide his emotions. Or perhaps this Anakin, the one before it all never felt the need to, nor knew how to. The thought hurts her & has her turning around, gaze looking away as the weight of it is seemingly crushing her. She takes in a few shaky breaths ( emotions finally catching up to her, making it hard to breathe, hard to stand here next to him where they were once young & in love & pretend she feels nothing, isn’t aware just how much each deftly aimed blow hits him ) as hands reach for the railing before her ( seeking support, but he needn’t know ) for she CAN’T allow carefully constructed façade to crumble. It had been hard enough the first time, before she had known that their love would bring her such joy ( & so much pain ), when she had tried to be clear-headed. She can feel his anger, back stiffening ( can he feel the flames of it singing her more than it does him? ), her own title on his lips feeling like a CURSE. ❛ Yes but when? How much longer must I — we — wait? ❜ How much more of this does she have to bear?} 

                _{❛ I feel so helpless. ❜ Words are spoken in a lower voice as eyes look down at empty hands — for she has NOTHING to hold onto, had held everything within her fingers only to have them slowly slip away — & now she had to throw them away so it wouldn’t come to that. She turns to face him, still leaning against the railing and her hands that rest upon it. ❛ Surely there must be something we can do? The sooner we find out who it is that’s trying to — ❜ kill her, it should be easy to say ❛ — whoever’s behind this, the sooner you can return to your duties & I to my own. ❜ She’s silent, watching the way his expression has twisted into a shadow of what it had been mere hours ago. ❛ Can I ask you something? ❜}

                                 _{as hard as he tries there is no escaping ,   no hiding from convoluted emotions swirling inside his chest.   they mingle and create a storm difficult to avoid ,   make it hard to breathe with unmatched intensity   :   how laborious it is to navigate them  !   and how dangerous ,   though of this he is not aware.   SERENITY PROVES IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND.   confused brain can almost emulate obi - wan’s stern notes ,   scolding him for failing again   —   yet what he can only do is pretend.   train ashamed features into a cold mask ,   school them into faux peace ,   and such strategy is successful for one heartbeat.   until her tremulous breath is heard ,   back stiffening in immediate response ,   hands turning to clenched fists when her words are spoken.  they are not well received at first   :   his heart takes it as an offense ,   wonders how despicable she must find it here alongside him.   but irrational conclusion quickly dissipates as he remembers who she is   —   a once queen who had done everything to protect her people.   how could the council expect her to remain here and do nothing  ?   kindred feelings of convalescense would fill him as well ,   were anakin in her position ,   that he is able to understand.   had he not been angry when they’d been sent away  ?   ❛   I DON’T KNOW.   ❜   comes his truthful response.   ❛   it’s in the council’s hands now.   ❜}    

                                _{eyes that had looked ‘pon the horizon are drawn back to her frame ,   drawn by her speech   ;   the vulnerability in it.   what he finds incites him to comfort her ,   but he knows not how.   wishes to set a hand on top of her own ,   whisper that things will be alright even if they wont   —   she would not like that.   instead he merely stares ,   unable to stop himself from admiring her beauty ,   ignorant to the glint behind blue irises.   hollowness carves a deep path at the notion of returning to coruscant   (   he to the jedi and she to the senate   ;   paths that ,   although may sporadically cross ,   would alienate them from one another   )   —   he should not care so much.   THIS IS A MISSION LIKE ANY OTHER ,   IS IT NOT  ?   clearing his throat ,   voice carries disappointment.    ❛   i’ve been told to stay with you on naboo until further instruction.   ❜   there is nothing i can do.   he refrains from rolling tense shoulders in an obvious disregard for rules ,   preferring this time to nod   (   perhaps too   )   enthusiastically at her question.   ❛   sure.   ❜}    

democraticqueen.

                               _{GUILT   FINDS   ITS   WAY   FROM   ACHING   CHEST   to   the   back   of   raw   throat,   causing   words   to   get   caught   (   she   feels   as   if   she’s   choking   —   fingers   absentmindedly   brush   at   tender   skin,   a   ghost   of   a   reminder   belonging   to   another   time   she   had   been   left   clutching   her   throat.   )   She   can   sense   his   discomfort,   feels   it   as   if   its   her   own,   the   disappointment   at   how   she   had   shut   him   down   (   for   his   own   good!   )   His   voice   cracks   &   she   feels   her   heart   doing   the   same,   for   all   she   wants   to   do   reach   out   &   have   warm   fingers   wrap   around   her   own,   reassure   her   that   it   was   a   horrible   nightmare,   that   it   was   going   to   be   okay,   &   for   her   to   assure   him   of   the   same.   But   they   weren’t   okay,   she   can’t   assure   him.   She   gives   a   small   nod   of   approval   at   the   formality   that   has   returned   in   the   way   he   addresses   her.   ❛   Yes   &   I   need   to   know   who   was   behind   the   attempt,   who   it   is   that’s   trying   to   get   me   killed.   Protection   isn’t   what   I   need,   Ani,   what   I   need   are   answers.   ❜   She   uses   the   nickname   deliberately,   remembering   his   request   for   her   to   cease   doing   so,   for   he   had   insisted   he   had   grown   up   (   he   needn’t   know   that   in   another   time,   another   life,   she   had   still   addressed   him   as   such   —   as   husband   &   wife   ;   a   shiver   dances   along   her   spine   at   the   cruel   reminder.   )}

                                  _{invisible weigth presses against tense shoulders ,   against his ribs and the walls of his heart.   SUCH A PROMISING DAY ,   A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON.   now its tainted by the presence of nervousness ,   tragically different from the one seizeing his chest minutes before.   he had felt it all   :   layer of sweat coating pale hands ,   heartbeat accelerated at the mere image of her ,   words awkwardly stumbling across smiling lips.   yet persevered he had ,   tried to make her notice he was grown up.   for a second he allowed himself to daydream   (   foolishly hope  !   )   that it had worked ,   that he was no longer little ani ,   but anakin skywalker.   SOMEONE CAPABLE OF PROTECTING HER.   it is here ,   with a space so hollow opening between them ,   that he realizes the truth   —   he would perhaps never be something more.   blue eyes   (   widened with shame ,   willing his blood to cease singing at being so close to her   ;   it is all in vain   )   averted from her frame ,   frown shattering his features like an unintended shadow.   and then he hears it ,   the nickname he told her not to use   —   annoyance settled down his stomach.   however irrational it may be ,   fiery irritation claws at his chest ,   teeth caged to avoid snapping once again.   ❛   i’m sure obi - wan will take care of it ,   senator.   ❜   lies unfurl from his tongue ,   diplomacy trying to mask his impatience.   SHE’S RIGHT   —   ON THIS THEY CAN AGREE.   but the council would not have it ,   not at her request and definitely not at his’.   ❛   the only thing we can do is wait.   ❜}                

democraticqueen. 

                       _{WHAT HAD ONCE PROVIDED WARMTH NOW SINGES her skin, her heart. His concern for her had been a comfort yet she now knows what those worries will do to him ( had done to him! ) & she wants to tell him to stop! Stop caring, stop worrying, there are things you cannot control — yet she can. Newfound knowledge is a burden she cannot cast aside ( & love for the boy before her — & even the man he becomes, not allowing it ), nor will she sit idly by. No, she will stop it from happening ( & what a STRAIN he had borne so quietly, watching her die in his nightmares. Now she understands. Now, she will bear it in his stead. ) Too familiar is her name on his tongue ( yet it isn’t, not nearly what it had once been, what was once so full of love & tenderness now so full of trepidation — & she hates that it will remain as such, can’t be any different. ) ❛ Yes. ❜ You w ill be. Her tone is formal & detached, eyes elsewhere ( so he doesn’t see the turmoil brewing within, the falsity she bears upon her lips. ) Tone is gentler yet words are not. ❛ As I have assured your master, I’m fine. This is really unnecessary. ❜ This being them, being him standing as her protector ( a duty he takes unto his shoulders into the fiery pits of Mustafar, into the darkness she cannot follow. )}

                                 _{a disturbance has separated them   :   something he cannot quite understand.   THE ENTIRE ATMOSPHERE HAS CHANGED ,   EVEN BREATHED AIR SEEMS DIFFERENT.   tastes like bitterness and confusion ,   scratches down his throat   —   and it’s impossible to swallow.   such a wonderful day had started with a walk ,   with shared stories of their childhoods ,   tales of years spent apart.   between the pair a bond could be felt ,   even after so much time.   in her voice he had found sweetness ,   happiness at being home   (   and he could play pretend ,   too   —   hope elation came due to his company.   if only  !   for a heartbeat he had let himself believe it   :   how naive ,   how childish   )   ;   woven in his words there’d been admiration ,   of sentator amidala and of naboo.   yet now   —   now formality has seized up brief notes   (   no longer summer rain and melting gold ,   no.   distance coats them ,   a knife between his ribs ,   aimed straight for foolish heart   )   while her eyes avoid a meeting.   ❛   I   ——   ❜   the padawan attempts to clear his voice ,   rawness climbing up his stomach.   he’s nervous ,   more so than before ,   for gentle smile has disappeared.   it’s given space to harsh words   (   however musical her tone is ,   what she says aches through his chest ,   spreads   ;   disappointment in hand   )   so he looks away.   ❛   the council doesn’t seem to think so ,   m'lady.   there was an attempt on your life ,   after all.   ❜}    

democraticqueen.

                       _{SHE’S STARING, EYES WIDE, HEART BEATING TOO FAST — it’s incongruent given the setting. She’s in the one place she felt the safest, at home ( both due to present company & the beauty surrounding them. ) She’s revisited this moment many times, it brings her comfort to know that they had once been ( nearly ) happy, that things hadn’t always been difficult ( or perhaps this is the moment everything changed, where their endings were engraved in stone. ) She sees him, Anakin Skywalker, young & happy, eyes full of life & as beautiful as the blue sky ( no, it wasn’t even comparable! & no hideous flecks of GOLD, no burning. ) He’s rambling as if he’s got no care in the world & here, he didn’t. Heart clenches as she’s reminded of a different time ( no, not different, their future, one she had CRUELLY been shown. Hands touch the place the ghost of another had wrapped around what felt like moments ago. She had died. He had been lost. ) She loves him, of that she may not have been certain in this moment ( or perhaps she had known all along ) but after seeing what they had, their love ( & the DESTRUCTION that ensued ) she knows without a single doubt that she, Padmé Amidala, loves Anakin Skywalker.}

               _{& it’s because of that love that she needs to stop him from returning it, from going down the path he would go with her ( it hurts, but this is better, she wants better for both of them. ) Back stiffens, relaxed pose replaced with that which a QUEEN was raised to learn & face is wiped of all emotion — a cool, calm mask. ❛ — I’m sorry I was distracted. ❜ Not a lie but also gently pushing him away ( though she finds such joy in seeing him talk so enthusiastically about whatever he wishes! ) ❛ I have a lot on my mind. ❜ & she is MOURNING the loss of a life — of what could have been but can’t.}

                                   _{fingers nervously fiddle together ,   holding between them a grain of sand.   rushedwords abandon parted lips   :  he’s sure blabbering ,   rambling about inconsequential topics that haveflowed through conversation.   her presence is intoxicating.   it’s enough to smother his mind ,   twist his tongue so he cannot speak.   a strange magnetism she owns   ;  supreme influence over him ,   until he feels nothing more than a boy.   once powerful and skilled padawan ,  reduced to ashes in the face of adream.   OF SUCH BEAUTY.   gaze remains low ,   avoiding his object of desire ,   notes hiding true turmoil that brews beneath his skin.   ❛   I HATE SAND.   it’s coarse and rough and irritating   ;   and it gets   —   ❜   head raises and speech is interrupted ,   worry finding a place inside blue eyes.   what minutes ago had been content features are now tainted by   —   fear  ?   body tenses ,   searches for danger but finds none,   only the calm hum of the force.   them and the sea stand in peace   —   a place so incredible should pose no threat.   so he asks ,   hand moving towards her arm   (   how he wishes to touch her !  not now ,   however.   not when she looks scared   ;   lost   )  ❛   PADMÉ  ?   ❜   easily she regains composure ,  quickly she replaces her expression with a regal mask.   but her feelings are a storm ,   and brown irises tell adifferent story.   pretending not to notice ,   ignoring the hurt at her dismissal ,   he cocks a brow.   never shaking the concern off his tone   :   ❛   are you sure you’re alright  ?   ❜}