* oncejedi.

     COLD — the air vibrated with it. she could feel it at the edges of her vision, growing sharper with ever word he spoke. it was all the answer she needed. no, no, no! she did not want to look at him; she did not want to be here any longer. ( you should not have come, you should have let him remain dead in your mind — would that be better than this cruel truth? ) she did not recognize the man before her, and it cracked her resolve. this was the man who had taught her, trained her, sat with her after nightmares. but now… this was a man who called ruthless destruction PEACE and threatened her with the cruelest sentiment: i don’t want to hurt you. ( was that same SEED of hate planted in the pit of her soul too? ) she swallowed tears. NO, she could not accept this. “you won’t hurt me.” a certainty, shaking but still present. it was the only thing that kept her rooted to her spot.

     “i was never against you — ” until now, if that anger in his eyes enveloped him whole. and it was close, so perilously close. she might be jedi no longer, but she would stand against SITH until she breathed her last. ( sith & anakin were two images that could not connect, no matter the things he hissed to her. ) “the war did TERRIBLE things to all of us, but this? this isn’t peace. this is tyranny and fear and…” a deep breath. their conclusion was drawing close, she could feel it. “you exchanged one war for another. i can’t go with you, anakin — not like this.” neither could she leave him like this. “you taught me to be good, even outside of the jedi. did those things, all that hope, mean NOTHING to you?” 

                      ❛   your master is gone.   ❜   _{oh ,   how confident rings her statement  !   it is enough to keep her here ,   feet firmly planted in the face of darkness.   there is fear within her ,   that he can taste at the back of his throat   (   bitter and sweet   ;   a caress carefully rising the song within his body.   it overjoys him ,   welcomes bubbles of omnious laughter that beg to escape the prison of tightened lips.   )   but she is strong.   his actions ,   she calls them betrayal   —   they break her youthful heart and still she chooses to stay.   IS SHE A FOOL  ?   perhaps yes ,   just like her teacher once was.   ❛   ——   and i will kill you if i have to.   ❜   ages ago ,   the jedi he had become would’ve cowered from the mere image of her death.   now  ?   now his chest simply thumps ,   threatening to eclipse every other thought with its thirst for blood.}

                     golden eyes sizzle ,   _{embers burning behind enlarged pupils.   how dare she look at him like that  ?   how dare she judge him when she chose to abandon him  ?   ❛   ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS DEAD.   ❜   the words are pronounced in a snarl ,   all will to contain his fury forgotten at her speech.   ❛   and you are stupid if you believe you can bring him back with some heartfelt words about your time together.   ❜   a venom so thick it weights on his tongue ,   the lightsaber rests now between his fingers   :   though it has not been activated.   sudden comes the scream ,   provoked by the blinding anger she has brought.   it rises upon them ,   clouding the room with a red haze   —   one that has become his confidant and friend.   ❛   THE WAR IS OVER BECAUSE OF ME  !   ❜   legs move towards her ,   tone lowering yet still filled with hatred.   ❛   i killed the separatists ,   i killed the jedi   ——   and once i kill the emperor we will truly know peace.   ❜   the last piece of his game ,   the last step before freedom.   SO CLOSE ,   SO CLOSE.   ❛   but you don’t understand any of it.   you look at me as if i’m a monster ,   though i’ve saved padmé and my children’s life   ——   though i’ve saved the galaxy.   ❜   for a moment he seems to deflate ,   gaze wandering towards the setting sun.   ❛   leave ,   ahsoka.   disappear.   don’t stand in my way.   ❜}       

oncejedi.

     she had tasted the DARKNESS once — a beckoning, a sinking, a giving in. her lips had twisted into a smile at it; her eyes had burned bright golden in mockery of the light. afterwards, she claimed no memory, but how could she have forgotten? it lived within them all, a layer beneath their skin, and she saw it now in anakin, shining back at her with such BRILLIANCE that it took her breath away. this was not the man she knew. ( and even still, she wanted to say YES. to be padawan and friend and family once more. ) how easy it would be to join him, if only his eyes sparked the blue she recognized. ( blue like sky instead of blizzard. )

     she dropped her hand. she had left for a reason, and all the old times died with the jedi. an understanding was constricting around her, tighter and colder than all else. she felt ICE in her hands, in her heart, in that spot where the force had once connected them. “…what did you do?” unspoken: i’ve heard rumors. her pulse hammered, like it did when she was in battle. could it be you? she felt them all die. she still felt it. tears pricked her eyes as that damning understanding closed around her. are you the dark twisted thing who has killed my master?

                         something shatters.   _{it’s ice fragmenting into a million pieces ,   it’s a soundless rapture of endarkened hope.   the accusation in one simple question ,   low and tainted ,   carrying too many connotations he cannot care for.   WHAT DID YOU DO  ?   so similar to what padmé had asked ,   memories flashing in unpleasant harmony.   how pathetic to long for her agreement  !   entertain the preposterous idea of joining forces   —   he should not have hesitated.   THOUGH A JEDI NO LONGER ,   SHE RETAINS THEIR WORST QUALITIES.   what has been taught cannot be unlearned   (   what you taught her ,   or have you forgotten  ?   —   enough   )   and her code remains untouched.   on his skin he feels the judgement ,   harsh ,   unforgiving   ;   it sickens him ,   invoking once more previously tamed wrath.   when he speaks ,   words sound feral ,   a snarl gritted between sharp teeth.   ❛   ——   I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.   ❜   for his love ,   to protect the universe against the jedi  !   what does she know of his sacrifice  ?}

                        ❛   i’ve brought peace to the galaxy.   _{i’ve ended the war   ——   !   ❜   each sentence speeds the beat of his heart ,   each letter shortens his breath.   anger ,   so consuming and liberating ,   flows freely through his veins.   turns the room red   ;   familar taste burning on his tongue.   AND HE DOESN’T WISH TO CONTROL IT   ❛   i’ve done what the jedi could not.   ❜   sort of twisted smile tugs on his lips   :   as if this all were a joke only he can understand.   the aura ‘round him is obscure ,   an endless pit prepared to swallow the light whole.   dead constellations shine within his eyes ,   their shade golden as hate spits on lost pride.   ❛   i don’t want to hurt you.   ❜   is that not a lie  ?   crimson fury screams otherwise ,   fingers itching to tear her apart   —   still he wishes to give her a chance.   leave or be terminated.   somehow he’s expecting the latter.   menace in his voice ,   he takes a step towards her ,   fingers resting on deactivated saber.   ❛   but if you won’t join me ,   then you are against me.   ❜}      

oncejedi.

     “i know,” was all she said, all she could say. oh, of course things have changed, she wanted to yell! she could sense it SCREAMING in the force; how it pushed against the backs of her eyes and scratched at her skin. FEAR. ANGER. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE. ( no, it was not rage against the dying light; it was a rage that bent the darkness to its very whim, a rage more powerful than all. ) things had changed long ago, she knew. did it matter? she would be here regardless. a red string connected them both.

     “since when have i been good at listening?” he was trying to scare her — or perhaps this was what had become of him. while she was off, attempting to discover who she was, perhaps he had discovered the same about himself. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. ( she felt the fear as a second skin and accepted it for what it was. ) theirs was a world of UNCERTAINTY now, but this one thing remained the same. she extended her hand, and the twisted beat of her heart existed in the space of her palm. AN OFFERING. “i don’t need you to protect me.” please, please, please. “i need you to come with me, to trust me. i know… i know i DISAPPOINTED you, anakin, but i’m here now and i want to help.”

                         trust her  ?   such notion rings amusing ,   _{vibrates deep within his chest howbeit dreary their situations are.   ❛   i’m not going anywhere.   ❜  beating pulse savagely pressures against the walls of his brain.   HE WISHES SHE WOULD STAY   —   THOUGH HE WANTS HER GONE.   she is a reminder   :   of failure   (   you should’ve been faster ,   better at protecting her than anyone else   ) ,   of disappointment   (   light flees from regretful eyes ,   and she turns.   the soft caress of her padawan braid tickles your hand ,   but you only want to scream ,   cry ,   tear it to pieces while she leaves you behind   )   and of wrath   (   she is a jedi  !   she belongs with us   —   with me.   why did abandon me  ?   ).   ❛   it’s too late.   ❜   controlled rage dances beneath those simple words ,   almost whispered in the silence of vacant room.   they are carefully constructed to hurt   ;   aimed at her heart ,   deadly and devastating.}   

                        humble offering is rejected ,   _{that which would’ve been joyfully embraced one lifetime ago   —   smoke twirls and twirls across tense shoulders ,   merely dissipated for a second when he speaks again. abruptly ,   his stare has cleared ,   shadows gone yet empty still.   glinting madness takes a hold of blues   —   beaconing ,   tantalizing.   ❛   JOIN ME.   ❜   if to help is what she desires   .     .     .   anakin skywalker smiles at his companion returning to his side   ;   said gesture translates poorly into the lips of a fragmented man ,   tarnished by darth vader’s calculating might.   ❛   we don’t need to be enemies   ——   imagine what we could do together.   ❜   she would become a powerful asset ,   an apprentice once sidious was overthrown.   excitment pools around previously stoic features ,   strands of darkness clinging to his very soul.   and manipulation flows   :   in the cadence of his speech ,   the faux sentiment interwining with it.   ❛   ——   it would be like old times.   ❜}          

oncejedi.

     the words rang, loud and angry. ( anger like a PULSE, anger like the taste of iron and the scent of flames; there was nothing like it. ) she believed him, almost. it was something the council was good at — turning their backs on their own — and she had seen their mistrust of anakin. he broke tradition; he tore at the edges of what it meant to be jedi. yes, she could believe they would betray him one day. but… she also knew they were not evil. ( a lesson learned in war: things were never absolute. stark colors of black and white did not exist. there was only gray, gray, gray. ) she did not take another step forward. “inevitable?” she heard his voice from long ago: there is always hope. “you taught me that’s never true.” 

     if he proclaimed his guilt, perhaps she could have turned away — but she thought of BARRISS, how the hatred consumed her, and she could not, would not, leave him with it alone. together, they could carry its weight and its burden. so it was that he gave her warning, and she tossed it aside. if they came for her, she would not go gently. she was not afraid — not of that. “i’m not leaving without you, skyguy.” 

                        ❛   what i taught you doesn’t matter anymore ,   ahsoka.   ❜   _{there is no nostalgia in his voice   :   hollowness taints it ,   painting it black with emptiness as it pours past marble lips.   he isn’t sorry   —   the pang of regret living in his heart belongs only to padmé ,   to the distance she’s created between them.   THE JEDI DESERVE NONE OF IT.   oh ,   she should be greateful to be rid of the people that once betrayed her  !   back straightening ,   a posture so stiff it screams of discomfort   —   begging to escape the skin that’s suffocating him.   and his eyes ,   they’ve swallowed the galaxy itself ,   burning stars dying ‘neath dark pools   ;   durasteel boring into her own with powerful strength.   HIS AURA SCREAMS OF SUCH TERRIBLE DEEDS ,   welcoming his old padawan into a new era ,   giving her a glimpse of what will soon come.   ❛   things have changed.   ❜}      

                        SKYGUY.   _{the stupid nickname evokes naught but a clenched fist ,   boiling anger clawing up his throat.   where had her loyalty been when he had needed it  ?   alone he had stood ,   helpless on the steps of a now destroyed temple   —   pleading for her to stay.   SHE HAD NOT LISTENED ,   SHE HAD LEFT.   memories consume him ,   inexorably  drown him as he takes a step forward.   pronounced notes are menacing   :   filled with fury ,   the copper taste of it hot on his tongue.   ❛   you’d be wise to listen.   ❜   for now it is contained ,   the storm his emotions have become.   ❛   ——   i cannot protect you.   ❜   will not protect you ,   is what goes unsaid.}    

oncejedi.

     she had seen anakin in many forms — with righteousness coursing through him as he cut down enemy after enemy, with a smirk on his face as he called her snips, with brows furrowed as they came up with a strategy. always, TOGETHER; war gave many painful things, but it had never torn into them. ( until she left. until he offered her heart, and she gave it back to him. ) she had never seen him like this: back turned, voice low, and THE PAIN… she felt it more than anything. her fear left her, concern taking its place.

     “i heard what happened. i was worried.” she ignored his statement and took a step forward. tentative — what was she afraid of? ( he was ALIVE, she wanted to sing in praise. he was alive, her instincts gave in warning. something was wrong. ) she felt the burn of unshed tears at the back of her throat. “i had to make sure you were safe. no one knows what’s going on. IS IT TRUE? are the jedi…gone?”

                         warmth radiates from her ,   _{engulfed in the light clinging to her soul   :   it’s blinding ,   what should’ve been comforting now scorches pale skin ,   claws at his chest as the sins inside it beg to be forgiven.   once she would have soothed him ,   once he would’ve rejoiced at her survival   (   oh ,   but you do  !   scattered pieces of your old self remain ,   not completely vanquished ,   not completely whole   —   yet they are still alive.   broken ,   mangled ,   burned beyond recognition   ;   at their core there is happiness ,   however fleeting it may be ,   to see ahsoka tano alive and well.   SHE IS YOUR FAMILY.   the darkness plants its seed ,   countering your diminute joy.   she was your family ,   it sings.   until she abandoned you.   and your fists tighten again ,   willing the betrayal away.   )   —   the person she seeks is no more.   ❛   THE JEDI BETRAYED US.   ❜   was she exempt from such judgement ,   simply because of her severed ties to them  ?   ignorance coats her words ,   like anger drips from his own.   ❛   ——   what happened to them was inevitable.   ❜   it had been coming   ;   had he not been shown the truth ,   he would’ve perished along with them.   a heartbeat of silence and he turns ,   eyes guarded as they take her in.   she has grown ,   sadness swimming ‘neath blue gaze ,   maturity only war could give someone engraved in her bones.   ❛   you should leave now ,   before anyone knows you’re here.   ❜   and that is the only act of kindness he will perform ,   honouring the bond they shared   —   that which remains ,   what he desires he could completely shatter and break.}            

oncejedi.

     the jedi have fallen — no matter how many times she repeated it to herself, ahsoka dared not believe. every time she closed her eyes, she saw the faces of those she left behind. the jedi have fallen. it caught in her throat, and they told her she shouldn’t let ATTACHMENTS guide her but she was jedi no more and they gone, gone, gone… she would believe no other whispers, even those who spoke of the one behind it… she was not padawan, not jedi; she was something IN BETWEEN, but she had to see for herself. CORUSCANT: gleaming beacon of civilization, of the new empire, of the jedi’s fall. she had not been here since… she was a fugitive now as she had been then, but she came all the same. 

     ANAKIN. she searched for her old master, and she should not be afraid but it burned in her chest. ( find him and — and what? ) ah, and suddenly she felt him through that bone-deep connection in the force. something was wrong; she tasted it on her tongue. she let the feeling pull her along until she stood at a door. not just any door. she knew this door, but she did not knock. ( if she knocked, she was sure the waiting would kill her. ) she pushed her way inside, lightsabers weighing so very heavily against her. there he was: master, friend, anakin skywalker. 

     “…anakin?”
     master no longer. 

                        light has begun to fade from coruscant’s sky ,   _{lingering softly on the balcony on which he stands.   watching ,   wheels turning inside his brain as azure gaze swallows such a busy image.   muted orange tints the atmosphere and opens a path for the darkness ,   ready to envelop the world   —   so alike the one smothering screaming heart ,   poisoning young mind with alarming speed.   he is alone ,   though it does not surprise him   :   where the presence of his wife should be ,   where padme’s comfort should exist   —   there is nothing.   an empty hole ,   doomed to be filled by delusions of power ,   promises made he could never keep.   a sudden wave of fire curses through his veins ,   consuming ,   obliterating.   RAGE.   the only one he loves ,   the only he has not lost ,   prefers to stay away from him   ;   FRIGHTENED.   how can she be terrified of him  ?  reason says he has hurt her too many a time ,   yet the void affirms she has no right ,   no right to turn her back on him.} 

                        that’s how the noice finds him ,   _{machinations and tightened fists.   submerged in them ,   he hears not her entrance ,   but her breathy question   ;   one sending shivers through his spine.   NO.   he has not turned yet knows who stands in his apartment ,   living force singing into his soul that this person has returned.   gritted teeth ,   he dares not move ,   merely staring into the darkening city while low notes are delivered.   certain she will hear ,   his voice is deep ,   almost no inflexion in it.   ❛   ——   YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE.   ❜}